Bringing Back Civility: Your Role

In my new book, “The Civil Society Playbook, A Common Sense Plan for a Return to Civility,” I outline the odious drivers of societal incivility, including excessive self-centeredness facilitated by social media platforms, over-the-top materialism, spiraling property and hate crime, and the impact of moral relativism. According to a 2023 survey conducted by the American Bar Association, 85% of Americans surveyed said civility is worse today than ten years ago. What is the solution?

In the book, I provide a path for reclaiming civility in the Right and Good (RnG) Framework (below), which offers detailed actions individuals can take to enhance civility. But what is “civility?”

According to Google’s Knowledge Graph: “Civility is the act of showing respect for others by being polite.” It can include:

• Formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech
  

• Professional, ethical, respectful, and courteous interactions
  

• Social relationships and proper conduct in human relationships
  

Civility comes from the Latin word civilis, which means “relating to public life, befitting a citizen.” In earlier use, the term denoted the state of being a citizen and, hence, good citizenship or orderly behavior.

Introducing the Right and Good (RnG) Framework

When developing the RnG Framework, I consulted great thinkers (current and past) and religious texts and asked each generational cohort (Silent Generation to Gen Z) for their input.

Why call it Right and Good?

“Right” refers to actions that adhere to rules, principles, or moral standards. It means following societal norms, laws, or ethical codes. Examples of “Right” include donating to charity, caring for your parents, and forgiving others who hurt you.

“Good” refers to beneficial, positive, and morally commendable actions. It involves evaluating those actions based on their impact on others, communities, or society. Examples include everything from holding the door for an elderly person, saying “please” and “thank you” when going through a drive-thru, and participating in an Earth Day cleanup.

For our society to become more civil, there are three high-level ‘Codes of Conduct’ we can perform each day:

1. Respect your father, mother, and others.
   

2. Give more of yourself.
   

3. Consider how your actions impact others.
   

Why these three, precisely? Each Code of Conduct has an idea and actions you can take to put them into practice, and they are equally interdependent. They are also in a specific order, as outlined below.

01: Respect your father, mother, and others

Idea: Civility begins in the home. How we treat our immediate and extended family will determine how we treat our fellow neighbors, students, colleagues, and strangers. That is why this is the number one behavior to focus on.

Putting into Practice: It starts with parents, who set a good or bad example their children may or may not follow. Does the parent stay in regular contact with their parents? How do they speak of them when they are not around? Are rude or sarcastic remarks made? Or is the dialogue around concern for their parent’s well-being, e.g., ensuring they are invited to their granddaughter’s upcoming birthday? Do they come across as put off by having to pick up their dad’s medication, or use it as an opportunity to demonstrate that this is what families do for one another?

How are nonfamily members treated? If you yell at your son’s football coach, chances are your son will do the same, both now and as a future father. The same idea applies to how your children hear you speaking with a customer service representative from an airline or credit card company. If you are terse and hang up at the end of the call without thanking the rep, your children will assume this is the default behavior towards people in the service industry.

The painful truth is we all are guilty, in varying contexts, of doing all the above. We are human. However, if we can occasionally muster the discipline to filter our speech and actions, we teach our children (in the aggregate) our responsibilities and obligations to our families and strangers.

02: Give more of yourself

Idea: Each of us has so much to give. We have individual talents, skills, experience, and personal attributes that can help others. And that is the central idea — focus even more of ourselves on the needs of others, whether the “others” are people, animals, organizations, and beyond. Giving to others helps us get out of ourselves, our problems, and our struggles and helps us understand that so many are worse off than us. It provides the perspective we sometimes need and gives others a sense that someone cares about them. This is the ultimate form of civility.

Putting into Practice: We ease the world’s pain when we are there for a friend who has had a rough day, giving money to a homeless woman on the street, donating blood, clothes, or food, or volunteering at a nursing home or animal shelter. The possibilities are endless.

However, giving requires us to “see” others’ needs and be willing to forgo some of our time and money. It means putting our smartphones down, observing our neighborhood, city, and world, and being aware of the problems we can help address. A powerful effect happens when we are part of the solution to others’ suffering. We feel more united with others and less divided. We grow in our abilities to serve others and shift our focus away from material and trivial matters. It makes us better people and society more civil.

America needs volunteers and donors. According to AXIOS, in 2003, 66% of Americans donated to charity. In 2022, less than 50% did. That is a significant decline, and it shows no sign of abating. Charitable giving doesn’t have to be a hefty sum — even a few dollars add up quickly if more people donate, and it can include giving of your talents, labor, etc., too! The important thing is to give to a charity you feel passionately about.

03: Consider how your actions impact others

Idea: We need to consider the broader implications of our actions. Individual actions can positively or negatively affect others, directly or indirectly, in the short and long term. How often do we take a moment to think about how doing or saying something will impact others before actually saying or doing it?

Putting into Practice: This can manifest in several ways. First, our words have the most influence, whether an encouragement, compliment, or a disparaging remark that makes someone feel stupid, ugly, or insignificant. Moreover, it isn’t just what one says but how it is articulated. Are you optimistic? Or are you condescending and mean? For example, a teacher knows very well that if she embarrasses a student, that student will be reluctant to participate in the future. That student could grow to disdain learning (or at least a formal learning environment like company training programs, school, etc.) for the rest of their life. Conversely, when a work colleague recognizes the contributions of a coworker, especially at a meeting where managers or C-suite are in attendance, it can elevate and validate that colleague.

Our behaviors, too, can impact others. For example, playing music loudly while driving with the windows down may be enjoyable, but people on the sidewalk and those stopped alongside you probably don’t want to hear your favorite song. Similarly, talking on your cell phone while grocery shopping or, better still, while in a packed subway car or bus is annoying, primarily when you use your phone’s speaker. Ask yourself if you want to hear someone else’s music or conversation.

On the other hand, some of our most potent actions are asking for forgiveness and forgiving others and yourself. Holding grudges and feeling guilty about something you did or didn’t do weigh on us and prolong healing. If you need to ask for forgiveness — ask it — no matter how long it’s been. A childhood friend and I had a fallout many years ago. I asked him for forgiveness recently, and he did the same, and we resumed our friendship. Similarly, if someone asks you to forgive them, do so. It will help you both equally. Forgiveness, whether giving or receiving, is a way to get on with your life and helps facilitate civility.

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Summary

Rebuilding a civil society requires every one of us to implement these actions daily. Life presents us with ongoing challenges and opportunities. If we consider the needs of our family, focus on the needs of others — including strangers, and consider how our activities might affect others, we start making society more civil.

What will you start (or stop) doing after reading this to improve societal civility?

This blog is an excerpt from my book “The Civil Society Playbook: A Commonsense Plan for a Return to Civility.” Available on Amazon.com.

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Michael Benedict published his first book, The Civil Society Playbook: A Commonsense Plan for a Return to Civility, in 2024. His career spans 25+ years in senior-level marketing positions at Fortune 1000 companies, tech startups, and marketing consultancies. His book covers areas of incivility that are not frequently discussed in the media. It offers solutions - actions - that anyone, regardless of age, can implement to improve civility in all aspects of society. He can be reached at michaelbbenedict@gmail.com. The book is available on Amazon, Apple Books, and Audible.