When Success Triggers Envy: Why Some Can’t Celebrate You

“Zero-sum thinking is the enemy of progress. The best outcomes happen when we lift each other, not tear each other down.”

– Adam Grant

Narrative

I was annoyed at my friend Steve. I had just bought a preowned luxury car that was in beautiful condition. It was over 10 years old and had depreciated considerably, value-wise, but its mechanics were solid, the paint was free of blemishes, and the interior presented itself as barely used. I was excited about owning it, for I am a “car guy.” I went to Steve’s house one Saturday afternoon to hang out with friends and drove my newly acquired car.

Steve is also a car guy, so I thought he would like to see it. He was hesitant but liked the car. I thought nothing of it. Later that afternoon, some other friends joined us. They loved the car, but Steve repeatedly reminded them, derisively, that it was a “used” car. I didn’t respond, but his intent was clear - to downgrade the car however he could. I am conscientious about how I speak about my vehicles, as I’m fully aware that not everyone is in a situation to own a car like this one. Unfortunately, this situation would repeat itself later.

I have been friends with a married couple for several years. We go to dinner regularly and enjoy each other’s company. The husband is a car guy, so I thought he would be excited when I traded my existing car for a preowned one (this is a different car than the one previously mentioned). 

His wife looked at the car with contempt (they own a considerably more expensive vehicle than mine) as she hated the paint color (anthracite gray). The husband was less subtle, telling me that the infotainment system in the car was horrible and that the one in his vehicle was superior. Shortly afterward, I was rear-ended by a speeding car. My car was totaled, so I bought a different brand this time. However, I did not tell anyone about the car other than my family, who are all car people and were thrilled for me.

The married couple soon found out about my new car and asked why I had not told them. I lied and said I forgot to mention it because work was busy. The following weekend, we had plans to go to dinner, but the wife had injured her ankle, so we would need to drive to the restaurant instead of walking. I offered to drive, and they gladly accepted. This being their first encounter with my new car, the husband immediately complained about how uncomfortable it was and that the infotainment system was challenging. All this while I was doing them a favor.

Emotional Toll

I felt let down in both situations, with Steve and the married couple, who had been my friends for many years. I thought, why can’t you be happy for me? If this is some nonsensical competition, you won. You have the nicer car, and I’m so glad for you.

My parents taught me to be careful when viewing other people’s property. One should focus on uplifting others and what they have instead of tearing them down, regardless of their economic, educational, or any other status.

Pretty Woman (1988), Touchstone Pictures

This dynamic is referred to as positive thinking versus zero-sum thinking. The core belief of positive thinking is that success and happiness are abundant and can be shared. In contrast, the core belief of zero-sum thinking is that resources, success, and opportunities are limited and must be competed for; for someone to win, someone must lose. While this mindset may be acceptable in sports and other competitive arenas, it can harm relationships. 

Resolution 

I have learned from these situations to be highly selective in what information I share (vacations, something I purchased, career advancements) and with whom I share it. I have also learned not to react to other’s uncomplimentary remarks. For example, I am an author and read many books annually. It comes with the territory. Yet, when having people over, they see my home office, look at all the books, and rarely have anything nice to say. It has nothing to do with the book’s content but the number of books. I ignore their comments, as there may be other dynamics at work in that individual’s life, and ask if they want another glass of wine. The best response is no response, i.e., don’t play their game. 

Relevance 

We have growing income inequality in America, and as a result, the gap between positive thinking and zero-sum thinking may widen. A civil society requires us to consider how what we share about our lives may impact others, even if it is just getting a used car. While we are not responsible for how others respond, we must consider potential responses by the other and be measured with what we share. This is how we minimize the potential of hurting others.